I know, I know. It’s been nearly three month since my last post. A post about leaving, actually. But here I am now, sharing about that decision I so carefully made this past June. The decision that has fashioned me into what feels like an entirely new person.
Okay, okay – maybe not entirely new, but definitely different. A good different.
I packed up my room knowing that the next three months would be filled with new memories, new friendships, and well, a new home. Home would be Southern California; a place of warmth, palm trees and an ocean nearby. Sure, I was going to miss my sweet, sweet town, but I knew the change would be good. I knew the change was going to be right.
At 3am that August morning, I left the peaceful state of my town. The darkness entrapped my car as I headed east with my parents. I had discreetly convinced them to drive to Colorado first, in order to visit the college I planned to attend after finishing Bible College. The drive with them was long, like, really long. But my goodness, necessary. My parents have molded me into this girl – the girl who doesn’t take no for an answer, the girl who can never remember to take the trash out on Thursdays, the girl who’s love for adventure overrides most anything. My parents have done a lot and driving fifteen hours out of the way is just one of the many things I needed to thank them for. Their love for me has been poured out over this past year, and I am forever thankful.
As we traveled through many states, I was able to think about what was in store for this upcoming season of my life. I wondered what life in SoCal would contain, and I hoped that it would be even better than I expected. *Disclaimer: It was.
Being surrounded by so many new friends was a breath of fresh air. Not only was I building relationships with people from all around – I was building relationships founded in Christ. The past two years, I easily had drawn really far from Him. I found myself dreading Sunday services, skipping youth group and church events, never picked up my Bible, devotions were non-existent, and my prayer life, well, let’s just say also non-existent. Deep down, I knew if I didn’t make this step of faith I wouldn’t have continued to commit my life to Christ. But realizing that made me see that I hadn’t entirely strayed from the path and there was still time to really, truly take a moment to develop a relationship with God that was honestly my own.
Oh, how great is Your goodness, which You have laid up for those who fear You, which You have prepared for those who trust in You in the presence of the sons of men – Psalms 31:19
As the weeks at school passed, I was frustrated. I prayed and prayed that I would feel the Holy Spirit’s presence, and I prayed that the Lord would give me clear answers to questions I had. I began to think “why did He bring me here if there was nothing for me?” Sure, I was learning a lot, but I felt like I was missing the application to my life. It was really easy for me to think that God had forgotten about His plan for me.
The Lord had been convicting me about a lot of things – one of the more important things: my relationship with my parents. Yeah, I know, I just talked about how thankful I was for them, but boy was I a brat back home. I know for certain that me coming down here was necessary for both me and my parents. As I spent time apart from them, I began to recognize how poorly I had treated them in the past. I didn’t want to be the daughter that never told them how much I had appreciated them, and up until this point I was.
One night, I called my mom just to talk and catch up on the week. But I also wanted to let her know I was sorry for the way I had been before I came down here. The guilt of my actions had finally caught up to me, and I wanted her and my dad to know how much I truly love and appreciated them. As I began to talk with her more about life down here I realized how home sick I was, but I also realized what God was showing me.
I explained to her that even as the semester passed I was still worried about what I was supposed to do next year. I wanted to trust that the Lord would prepare my way and answer my prayers, but I quickly realized I did not trust Him in any way, shape or form. I wanted to, but I couldn’t. After I got off the phone with my mom that night, I walked around the lake listening to worship music – I thought to God, “Please give me something. Anything. So that I can see that You are here.” Psalms 31:9 immediately came to me, so I opened up my bible app and read it:
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; My eyes wastes away with grief, Yes, my soul and my body – Psalms 31:9
I thought to my self, “Dang, I needed to hear that”, so I continued to read the chapter. When I got to verse nineteen, I immediately began to cry. The Lord knew that this semester was a time of understanding how to trust Him. And I felt He directly showed me that He was aware of me and hadn’t forgotten about me. At the time it was a simple reminder that was more than necessary.
Sure, it was a simple thought that popped into my head. A simple scripture that was shown. But in that moment, I realized that He really is in control. My love for Him began to flourish more than it had all semester. He showed Himself through His scripture. He let me know He was there. He let me know it was okay to trust Him again. Though the next months of my life are uncertain, He reminded me that I can trust Him.
Even though I want to have it all figured out, I can always use a reminder that He already has it figured out and my worrying and fret do nothing to fix that.
So there you have it…just a small portion of what the Lord has revealed to me this semester.