I figured it was time to start writing again.
I don’t know why, but in this past season I’ve had an incredibly difficult time sharing my thoughts. It seems as though everything I have been thinking, feeling, processing never made it to print. I’ve been doing a really okay job of sharing little and hoping that it would buy me sometime to figure out what the heck I’m doing. Of course, this is an impossible question to answer, and since the beginning of the year I’ve realized there is no right answer.
I guess it would be reasonable to go back to the beginning: January.
Oh January, you remind me of home. Being back in Oregon for this never ending month felt so difficult. Don’t get me wrong, I loved seeing my family and friends and the comfort of my own bed. I was able to share meals with family, go on hikes, celebrate my birthday, and relax, but quickly after returning home from Bible College I fell back into my old routines and terrible habits. January seriously tested me.
I forgot how lonely home was to me. Yea, I know I have a community back home that welcomes me with open arms and allows me to be me, but returning reminded me of past experience and pain I would rather not deal with – January opened wounds I thought I had healed from, but in reality God was just beginning to pull back bandages…and let me tell ya, He wasn’t letting me off the hook this time.
What I really want to do right now is be honest. About everything. About every wound that got reopened, about every situation I had to face, but for now I think I’ll spare you the details. To be honest, I’m still trying to truly grasp them myself. The Lord knew it was time to truly come to terms with my life – I felt to be in a very confused state. This even led me to wonder if going back to Bible College was actually God’s plan for me, of course, it was. But in the moment it’s easy to try and make excuses in attempt to get out of any situation that made me uncomfortable. I loved seeing how one month home could transform me. I never would have imagined that the Lord would take so much of my past and unravel it all at once, but His perfect timing was quickly displayed through just the first month of the year.
As I headed back to California to begin my second semester of Bible College I already knew I was about to hop on a rollercoaster. Rollercoasters are fun, right? Wrong. Think of one that makes you sick over and over again, then when you finally think the ride is over you remember that it also goes backwards and upside down and you have to go through the entire ride again. That is what spring semester has felt like to me. I can not stress enough how ready I am to finally get of this ride and touch stable ground.
I plan on writing more when I get the chance after all I did just renew my blog (accidentally…with money I *technically* don’t have). But that’s beside the point. So expect to see some more poorly written posts created in the dungeon that is my room in the late hours that should be set aside for sleep.
I promise there’s better things ahead…I think I just need some sleep first.